i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
