I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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