my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
