2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
