Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
