Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
