I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
