you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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