fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
