i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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