textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
