theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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