you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
We named our party play list daddy issues
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
NoShamevember. You game?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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