Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Randomize
