plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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