Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
