The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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