you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Randomize
