apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
