So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
