the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
