And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize