just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
We got so high we made milksteak
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
