Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
