My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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