My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
