Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
