Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
