Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
