That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
