My hand turned me down
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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