Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
