my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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