His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
