someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
