So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
being pregnant is like rehab
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He did a backflip because drugs
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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