Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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