can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
