I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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