chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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