so explain again why im purple
no
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I wish you could order shots online.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
