mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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