i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
