I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
