I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Randomize
