I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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