This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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