Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
