someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
