i wish starbucks made bloody marys
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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