Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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