I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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