I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
