for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
