dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize