I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
