In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
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