I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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