i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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