first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
