Four minutes until I can fart!
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
