Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
