i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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