he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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