i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
